That is the fear. (old)

I've been thinking way too much today. Which isn't really surprising. Considering that's all I seem to do any more. Think too much about things I really shouldn't spend so much time pondering over. But, as it is. I've been watching House. A lot. I used to watch Grey's Anatomy a lot. Until the bomb episode and when Denny died and then it got too sad for me. And so, I started watching House. Because House is cynical. And it's not easy to get sad when he's cynical. But. One episode I watched...House was scared, sad. And. This probably seems so stupid, but. If House gets scared, how in the world am I going to make it as a doctor?

I've never once faltered in my decision to be a doctor. I -want- to do it. I want to help people. I want to make things in this world a little more bearable. I believe things can be cured and I want to help find the answer. I don't like seeing people in pain. I don't like seeing family or friends watching someone they love in pain. Because I don't want to know anyone going through pain like that. I'm a sensitive soul. Things upset me easily. Which. It just doesn't seem smart for me to be a doctor. Not that I'm not smart enough. I know I'm a smart girl, I do. But I get so attached. I cried over Alaska. I cried over Denny. I cried over Marissa. And I fucking broke down over Will. I cry over characters that haven't really died. I feel completely broken when people in real life die. And. Me and Will weren't even close. So, how do I deal with it when someone close to me dies? I have to stop thinking about that because I can't afford to think about it.

But what do I do when someone, a patient in the future, dies? It's going to happen. There is such a lack of courage on my part in that confirmation. Because as real as that is, I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to be the one to look into someone's eyes and tell them someone they love has died. Not under my care. Hell, not under anyone's care. It's not right. It hurts to think about now.

The fact is, the future is coming soon. A whole lot sooner than I expected. I don't feel like I should be in college yet. I was just in high school. And. Things keep moving faster and faster and I feel like if they don't slow down, I'm going to burst in flames. I'm so scared. I'm absolutely petrified. This is a huge decision on my part. I don't feel like I know enough to make the decision yet. I'm just a kid. Who am I to decide what I need to do?

I know that you can't save everyone. It doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I know that I'll save more than I don't. But are 100 lives saved worth 10 innocent people dying? I don't believe in 'everything happens for a reason.' If I did, I wouldn't be able to even want to be a doctor. Because if everything happened for a reason, then I'd have no purpose in life. I'd have nothing to live for because I'd have nothing to die for. I believe you make your own destiny. You make choices. Every day, all day. And those decisions are yours. Not someone else's. I don't believe in preconceived destiny because I am not worthless enough to sit back and just accept that everything will fall into place. We were given the puzzle. We have to solve it.

At the same time. I don't think things in life should be so random. I mean, I don't believe someone who has lived a life doing nothing but bad and never giving a damn about anyone else should live over a perfectly innocent person. And that happens. Every day and I hate it. Why is Castro still alive when little kids are dying from cancer, starvation? It doesn't make sense. There's no balance. I believe everyone, EVERYONE, has a worth. Even scumbags. But I don't believe they have more of a worth than innocent kids. It's not right, it's not right, it's not right. I hate it. I can't make sense out of it. And I don't like things that don't make sense.

There's no answer to this. No one can reason out the puzzle that is life. Life isn't structured enough to make sense of it.



It's so hard to do what's right when even the best you can do has some amount of wrong in it.