It's what humans do, and they pass on through. (old)

My story isn't so different from the thousands of new students that will be on college campuses, half scared, half ecstatic this fall.
Nor is it so different from those who move miles away from their friends, family, and lifestyle that aren't in college.
I'm not so different.

So, why does it feel like I'm the only one who is so anxious about leaving..well, leaving everything?
I don't know if I'm 2% nervous and 98% excited, or vice versa. Though, if I'm being honest, it's probably best that way. I do a bit better when I don't know the specifics of some things. Because sometimes knowing too much ruins the allure (isn't that a funny word?) of anything.
It is SO selfish of me to want the best of both worlds. (I just quoted Miley Cyrus. Oh my.) But, can you blame me? Who wouldn't want the luxury of making new friends while keeping the same old ones? It's just..preferable. Alas, people move on when you move away. I know this, I'm preparing for it, I'm hoping it won't happen..I'm petrified it will. Then again, I'm being hypocritical. I'll be making new friends. (For the love of all that's holy, I hope I will, at least.) I'll be getting close to people that before August 20th, I didn't know existed. People my friends now won't know. So, I should get over the fact that they'll be getting closer, eating hashbrowns at 1 in the morning, making three person seat in the back of a charter bus memories, shouldn't I? Wrongwrongwrong. It's so wrong. If I think about what I'm missing, it'll kill me.

Though, that might be the problem. I shouldn't be thinking about what I might miss (what I will miss) when I'll have so many things I won't be missing. It's easier said than done, I know. Oh, how well do I know. But at least I'm acknowledging it. That's better than nothing. I think, at least.


So, a lot is on my mind. And I'm in a ranting mood. And by ranting mood, I mean it's 2:30 in the morning and I have nothing to do but sleep or think and I'm clearly not sleeping making thinking top priority, regardless of the fact that I'd rather be sleeping because too much thinking equals too many emotions and I'm too stressed to have a lot of emotions roaming wild.
Shartzer would kill me for that run-on.

Mmkay, so I'm a nice person. Or, I am most of the time. I think I am, rather. I'm sure there's a few people who'd disagree and who'd put me on the top of their People That Are So Not Nice List. If people make such lists. But, anyways. I don't like to be mean. I truly don't because my guilty conscience likes to live up to its name and I can't stand it. And though I do sometimes judge people based solely on their outward appearance/first impression (isn't that the same thing? All I ever get on first impressions are outward appearances. So, I guess it's the same.), I don't try to. And I'm the type of person who, once I get to know the person, generally has my first impressions slapped in my face because it was so wrong. Some people are like that and some are not. Not that I think either way is right or wrong, per se, just that I don't generally like when people meet someone, get their first impression (and seriously, not everyone makes amazing first impressions. Mine are typically shitty.), and then don't change their opinion on that person despite the fact that their first impression is clearly not right. And. Some of my closest friends do this. And it bothers me tremendously. (Don't yell at me for this! Just because I said 'Some of my closest friends' does not mean that if you are a close friend of mine, I'm talking about you! Just. SOME of them. Goodness.)

And this seems to happen to me frequently. Where I say something, someone misinterprets it and then doesn't let me explain how I meant it to be interpreted. It drives me crazy. And I get flustered so easily, so when the person is being mad or whatever at me, it doesn't help me explain anything at all. I hate being misunderstood. It's not difficult to hear someone out. So, try it.

I have realized that I apologize a lot. Probably too much. And by too much, I mean I apologize for a lot for things I have no reason to apologize for. Mainly because I hate seeing people upset or getting in arguments, so I'll say sorry for arguments sake. And. I'm tired of doing it. I'm not going to apologize for something when I've done nothing wrong. Or when I'm not to blame. Or because it makes you feel better that I did. False apologies are like white lies that start off harmless but can snowball into some huge mistake.

I have noticed this a lot over the past year or so, and I don't think I'm alone in this. I have either A) recently become super jealous for stupid reasons or B) always been a jealous person, but never let it get the best of me until recently or C) have always been a jealous, selfish bitch and I just haven't realized it until now. And this is specifically for five people. (If you must know, feel free to ask) To them, I AM sorry for being so green eyed. (literally, I'm not sorry for having green eyes, ha. Though I am metaphorically sorry for being green with envy.) I am seriously working on this flaw. It's taking effort. And time. So, be patient with me. Not that I deserve your patience, but it would be nice. It's not an excuse, either. It is what it is.


So, I have some burdens and worries and troubles on my mind.
Don't we all?

We all have worries. We all get scared. We all have been hypocritical.
It's what humans do, and they pass on through.


I have irrefutably changed. I don't take back anything I've done because I have lessons to learn. I make mistakes. But at least I'm learning. I'm still learning.