All this feels strange and untrue. (old)

PART 1: Isn't it strange how we spend our entire time in elementary school perfectly content, until 5th grade when we have the prospect of being in middle school so very close. Then, we spend middle school going through awkward in-between moments where our time is split evenly between longing to be in elementary school again or in high school. And once we get to high school we never want to return to middle school, but we still long for long ago times of playground crushes. At the same time, we count down the days until graduation.

And, yet. The entire time we spent all these years with the same people. Just. A new school. Which doesn't make sense to me. Is it in the change from one class to eight back to four that changes us? Have we really changed? I mean, sure. No one shows they like someone by insulting and teasing them. Oh, wait...that happens all the time. I guess Ben Harper was right when he said, "Some things never change. Some things never stay the same."


PART 2: So, I've always had this notion that my 'real life' would start after I graduated. Like getting a diploma would somehow make a transition into the real world where things make sense and people are true. Which is probably the optimist in me, because nothing ever makes sense. And when it starts to click, the world throws a curveball and you're stuck in the dust wondering what just happened. And no one really knows who they are. Everyone is searching for who they are. I don't care how many people think they know exactly who they are to a T, they don't. Because. People tend to surprise themselves. With words, actions, untold thoughts, one too many beers, or a stupid dare. Everyone is always changing. And embracing change may come easy to some and hard to others, but no matter how you take it, it's inevitable. Change HAS to happen or. Or the world would probably explode. And when I say I was waiting for post-high school for my 'real life' to begin. I don't mean that everything before wasn't real. It's just. -sigh- I think sometimes Hollywood gets in your head and makes you convinced that all these things they're projecting somehow make sense outside of a camera lens. But they never do.

PART 3: Despite the fact that humans know change must happen, we all crave something to remain the same. Kinda like The Real World. Of course, that's dumb because once someone is told they're going to be filmed, it's never reality. We seek comfort in predictability. Like. Which one is the gay one? Who will have issues with her long distance boyfriend? Which two will have sexual tension between them? And yet. People still tune in. Because we need a break from our life. So. We watch someone else's 'reality.' Which doesn't really make sense. But since when does sense play a factor?

PART 4: Any relationship (whether platonic or more) can be ruined by betrayal, jealousy, dishonesty, stupidity, or any combination. And sometimes forgiveness isn't enough. Because it doesn't mean you forget what happened. Sometimes 'sorry' isn't enough.

PART 5: No one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. People get so caught up in everyone else's business and over-analyze someone else's mistakes, that everyone seems to overlook their own flaws. Like. How can you complain to someone that they try to hard when you don't try hard enough? It seems like you would realize that they're just trying to salvage something when you, in fact, are the one pushing it away. (That one got too personal and not vague enough. Funny how you can think some thoughts are gone until you find yourself spilling them at random times.) Or. You're too stubborn to apologize for something. Being stubborn can bite you in the ass. So can being a pushover. Take it from someone who has plenty of experience being both.

PART 6: Damn me for being jealous, over-analytical, over-reactive, stubborn, and just plain stupid. If I don't just chill the fuck out, I'm going to get myself in a heap of trouble. I know I've been distant. From everyone. But sometimes people have too much of each other. And it would be pretty dumb if I let some things became undeniably messed up because I was being a total spaz.