Frigid Night.

"The wind whipped at her hair, making it fly about her face. It was one of the first truly frigid winter nights, though time was well into December, and she shivered beneath her woefully thin jacket. She fought the wind; one step closer. She pulled out a cigarette and lit it, watching the tobacco burn bright orange under the flame. The cigarette burned merrily and she thought briefly of Christmas, before her expression turned sour. The cold bit at her hands. 'I've got to stop smoking,' she mumbled, though she knew it was a promise she wasn't likely to keep. She took one final drag and threw the cigarette on the ground, stepping on it and extinguishing the last of its glow. She stood in front her building, looking up at it, unready to enter despite the freezing cold. Entering meant her night was over, and over she was still not comfortable with.
It had been a decent night, for once. It was a night spent with friends. She was alone, of course. Always alone, wherever she was, but she had the illusion of company for a precious few hours. She knew it was her own fault. She wasn't even present for the last hug she gave, her mind somewhere else entirely. It pained her, the way this detached person she had become could not even let her guard down for one of the few people in the world that meant something to her.

Inside she went. She'd grown used to the frigidity, but it occurred to her that she really wasn't any less alone outside."

(I find myself reading this time and time again...)

That is the fear. (old)

I've been thinking way too much today. Which isn't really surprising. Considering that's all I seem to do any more. Think too much about things I really shouldn't spend so much time pondering over. But, as it is. I've been watching House. A lot. I used to watch Grey's Anatomy a lot. Until the bomb episode and when Denny died and then it got too sad for me. And so, I started watching House. Because House is cynical. And it's not easy to get sad when he's cynical. But. One episode I watched...House was scared, sad. And. This probably seems so stupid, but. If House gets scared, how in the world am I going to make it as a doctor?

I've never once faltered in my decision to be a doctor. I -want- to do it. I want to help people. I want to make things in this world a little more bearable. I believe things can be cured and I want to help find the answer. I don't like seeing people in pain. I don't like seeing family or friends watching someone they love in pain. Because I don't want to know anyone going through pain like that. I'm a sensitive soul. Things upset me easily. Which. It just doesn't seem smart for me to be a doctor. Not that I'm not smart enough. I know I'm a smart girl, I do. But I get so attached. I cried over Alaska. I cried over Denny. I cried over Marissa. And I fucking broke down over Will. I cry over characters that haven't really died. I feel completely broken when people in real life die. And. Me and Will weren't even close. So, how do I deal with it when someone close to me dies? I have to stop thinking about that because I can't afford to think about it.

But what do I do when someone, a patient in the future, dies? It's going to happen. There is such a lack of courage on my part in that confirmation. Because as real as that is, I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to be the one to look into someone's eyes and tell them someone they love has died. Not under my care. Hell, not under anyone's care. It's not right. It hurts to think about now.

The fact is, the future is coming soon. A whole lot sooner than I expected. I don't feel like I should be in college yet. I was just in high school. And. Things keep moving faster and faster and I feel like if they don't slow down, I'm going to burst in flames. I'm so scared. I'm absolutely petrified. This is a huge decision on my part. I don't feel like I know enough to make the decision yet. I'm just a kid. Who am I to decide what I need to do?

I know that you can't save everyone. It doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I know that I'll save more than I don't. But are 100 lives saved worth 10 innocent people dying? I don't believe in 'everything happens for a reason.' If I did, I wouldn't be able to even want to be a doctor. Because if everything happened for a reason, then I'd have no purpose in life. I'd have nothing to live for because I'd have nothing to die for. I believe you make your own destiny. You make choices. Every day, all day. And those decisions are yours. Not someone else's. I don't believe in preconceived destiny because I am not worthless enough to sit back and just accept that everything will fall into place. We were given the puzzle. We have to solve it.

At the same time. I don't think things in life should be so random. I mean, I don't believe someone who has lived a life doing nothing but bad and never giving a damn about anyone else should live over a perfectly innocent person. And that happens. Every day and I hate it. Why is Castro still alive when little kids are dying from cancer, starvation? It doesn't make sense. There's no balance. I believe everyone, EVERYONE, has a worth. Even scumbags. But I don't believe they have more of a worth than innocent kids. It's not right, it's not right, it's not right. I hate it. I can't make sense out of it. And I don't like things that don't make sense.

There's no answer to this. No one can reason out the puzzle that is life. Life isn't structured enough to make sense of it.



It's so hard to do what's right when even the best you can do has some amount of wrong in it.

It's what humans do, and they pass on through. (old)

My story isn't so different from the thousands of new students that will be on college campuses, half scared, half ecstatic this fall.
Nor is it so different from those who move miles away from their friends, family, and lifestyle that aren't in college.
I'm not so different.

So, why does it feel like I'm the only one who is so anxious about leaving..well, leaving everything?
I don't know if I'm 2% nervous and 98% excited, or vice versa. Though, if I'm being honest, it's probably best that way. I do a bit better when I don't know the specifics of some things. Because sometimes knowing too much ruins the allure (isn't that a funny word?) of anything.
It is SO selfish of me to want the best of both worlds. (I just quoted Miley Cyrus. Oh my.) But, can you blame me? Who wouldn't want the luxury of making new friends while keeping the same old ones? It's just..preferable. Alas, people move on when you move away. I know this, I'm preparing for it, I'm hoping it won't happen..I'm petrified it will. Then again, I'm being hypocritical. I'll be making new friends. (For the love of all that's holy, I hope I will, at least.) I'll be getting close to people that before August 20th, I didn't know existed. People my friends now won't know. So, I should get over the fact that they'll be getting closer, eating hashbrowns at 1 in the morning, making three person seat in the back of a charter bus memories, shouldn't I? Wrongwrongwrong. It's so wrong. If I think about what I'm missing, it'll kill me.

Though, that might be the problem. I shouldn't be thinking about what I might miss (what I will miss) when I'll have so many things I won't be missing. It's easier said than done, I know. Oh, how well do I know. But at least I'm acknowledging it. That's better than nothing. I think, at least.


So, a lot is on my mind. And I'm in a ranting mood. And by ranting mood, I mean it's 2:30 in the morning and I have nothing to do but sleep or think and I'm clearly not sleeping making thinking top priority, regardless of the fact that I'd rather be sleeping because too much thinking equals too many emotions and I'm too stressed to have a lot of emotions roaming wild.
Shartzer would kill me for that run-on.

Mmkay, so I'm a nice person. Or, I am most of the time. I think I am, rather. I'm sure there's a few people who'd disagree and who'd put me on the top of their People That Are So Not Nice List. If people make such lists. But, anyways. I don't like to be mean. I truly don't because my guilty conscience likes to live up to its name and I can't stand it. And though I do sometimes judge people based solely on their outward appearance/first impression (isn't that the same thing? All I ever get on first impressions are outward appearances. So, I guess it's the same.), I don't try to. And I'm the type of person who, once I get to know the person, generally has my first impressions slapped in my face because it was so wrong. Some people are like that and some are not. Not that I think either way is right or wrong, per se, just that I don't generally like when people meet someone, get their first impression (and seriously, not everyone makes amazing first impressions. Mine are typically shitty.), and then don't change their opinion on that person despite the fact that their first impression is clearly not right. And. Some of my closest friends do this. And it bothers me tremendously. (Don't yell at me for this! Just because I said 'Some of my closest friends' does not mean that if you are a close friend of mine, I'm talking about you! Just. SOME of them. Goodness.)

And this seems to happen to me frequently. Where I say something, someone misinterprets it and then doesn't let me explain how I meant it to be interpreted. It drives me crazy. And I get flustered so easily, so when the person is being mad or whatever at me, it doesn't help me explain anything at all. I hate being misunderstood. It's not difficult to hear someone out. So, try it.

I have realized that I apologize a lot. Probably too much. And by too much, I mean I apologize for a lot for things I have no reason to apologize for. Mainly because I hate seeing people upset or getting in arguments, so I'll say sorry for arguments sake. And. I'm tired of doing it. I'm not going to apologize for something when I've done nothing wrong. Or when I'm not to blame. Or because it makes you feel better that I did. False apologies are like white lies that start off harmless but can snowball into some huge mistake.

I have noticed this a lot over the past year or so, and I don't think I'm alone in this. I have either A) recently become super jealous for stupid reasons or B) always been a jealous person, but never let it get the best of me until recently or C) have always been a jealous, selfish bitch and I just haven't realized it until now. And this is specifically for five people. (If you must know, feel free to ask) To them, I AM sorry for being so green eyed. (literally, I'm not sorry for having green eyes, ha. Though I am metaphorically sorry for being green with envy.) I am seriously working on this flaw. It's taking effort. And time. So, be patient with me. Not that I deserve your patience, but it would be nice. It's not an excuse, either. It is what it is.


So, I have some burdens and worries and troubles on my mind.
Don't we all?

We all have worries. We all get scared. We all have been hypocritical.
It's what humans do, and they pass on through.


I have irrefutably changed. I don't take back anything I've done because I have lessons to learn. I make mistakes. But at least I'm learning. I'm still learning.

All this feels strange and untrue. (old)

PART 1: Isn't it strange how we spend our entire time in elementary school perfectly content, until 5th grade when we have the prospect of being in middle school so very close. Then, we spend middle school going through awkward in-between moments where our time is split evenly between longing to be in elementary school again or in high school. And once we get to high school we never want to return to middle school, but we still long for long ago times of playground crushes. At the same time, we count down the days until graduation.

And, yet. The entire time we spent all these years with the same people. Just. A new school. Which doesn't make sense to me. Is it in the change from one class to eight back to four that changes us? Have we really changed? I mean, sure. No one shows they like someone by insulting and teasing them. Oh, wait...that happens all the time. I guess Ben Harper was right when he said, "Some things never change. Some things never stay the same."


PART 2: So, I've always had this notion that my 'real life' would start after I graduated. Like getting a diploma would somehow make a transition into the real world where things make sense and people are true. Which is probably the optimist in me, because nothing ever makes sense. And when it starts to click, the world throws a curveball and you're stuck in the dust wondering what just happened. And no one really knows who they are. Everyone is searching for who they are. I don't care how many people think they know exactly who they are to a T, they don't. Because. People tend to surprise themselves. With words, actions, untold thoughts, one too many beers, or a stupid dare. Everyone is always changing. And embracing change may come easy to some and hard to others, but no matter how you take it, it's inevitable. Change HAS to happen or. Or the world would probably explode. And when I say I was waiting for post-high school for my 'real life' to begin. I don't mean that everything before wasn't real. It's just. -sigh- I think sometimes Hollywood gets in your head and makes you convinced that all these things they're projecting somehow make sense outside of a camera lens. But they never do.

PART 3: Despite the fact that humans know change must happen, we all crave something to remain the same. Kinda like The Real World. Of course, that's dumb because once someone is told they're going to be filmed, it's never reality. We seek comfort in predictability. Like. Which one is the gay one? Who will have issues with her long distance boyfriend? Which two will have sexual tension between them? And yet. People still tune in. Because we need a break from our life. So. We watch someone else's 'reality.' Which doesn't really make sense. But since when does sense play a factor?

PART 4: Any relationship (whether platonic or more) can be ruined by betrayal, jealousy, dishonesty, stupidity, or any combination. And sometimes forgiveness isn't enough. Because it doesn't mean you forget what happened. Sometimes 'sorry' isn't enough.

PART 5: No one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. People get so caught up in everyone else's business and over-analyze someone else's mistakes, that everyone seems to overlook their own flaws. Like. How can you complain to someone that they try to hard when you don't try hard enough? It seems like you would realize that they're just trying to salvage something when you, in fact, are the one pushing it away. (That one got too personal and not vague enough. Funny how you can think some thoughts are gone until you find yourself spilling them at random times.) Or. You're too stubborn to apologize for something. Being stubborn can bite you in the ass. So can being a pushover. Take it from someone who has plenty of experience being both.

PART 6: Damn me for being jealous, over-analytical, over-reactive, stubborn, and just plain stupid. If I don't just chill the fuck out, I'm going to get myself in a heap of trouble. I know I've been distant. From everyone. But sometimes people have too much of each other. And it would be pretty dumb if I let some things became undeniably messed up because I was being a total spaz.